The Six Dos and Don’ts of Online Dating: Part Two

Now for Part Two of this two-part post on how to find lasting love on the Web (if you haven’t already checked out Part One, that’s a great place to start!). By now, you’re pretty much a pro and can tackle any obstacle that the online dating game throws your way, right?

…Well, maybe no one can ever fully master the precarious art of online dating. Humans are complicated. But knowing what to avoid — or the “Don’ts” of online dating, as I call them — can help to safeguard your heartstrings, significantly improving your chances of finding Mr. or Ms. Right. Through a combination of webinars and personal experiences, I’ve put together some common missteps that the serious online dater would do well to avoid:

Don’t:

1. Fall in love with only a profile. We’ve all done it. Read through a gorgeous guy or gal’s profile, studied each photo, felt our hearts flutter with hope and excitement, begun to imagine a future with them — soulmate found! 100% certain. Life goal achieved in just a few easy clicks.

For me, it was a 30-something blond and buff gym owner originally from NorCal who was a fellow Myers-Briggs idealist, practiced Krav Maga, and had a penchant for Middle Eastern folktales. I was convinced he was a fabled “unicorn” of the online dating realm. After one conversation on the phone, it was obvious that we were incompatible (…that’s when I learned that being called very “Big Bang Theory” was not a compliment). Someone did it to me, too: a bright-eyed, online dating newbie who sent me a novel as his first message. He was giddy with excitement, convinced we were a match made in heaven after having just joined the site the day before. Remember that when you look at an online profile, you’re viewing a two-dimensional, self-reported representation of someone, which may or may not be accurate. In order to really know someone beyond their (largely subjective) online presence, you must meet them in person to see whether sparks actually fly. There is no substitute for chemistry — even in the digital age — and there are certain aspects of interpersonal connections that can’t be captured on-screen.

2. Send generic messages. Users’ inboxes are inundated with impersonal messages sent by the dozen that mostly go unacknowledged (e.g. “hey baby, wassup?”). Low-effort gestures (like winks on Match) are even worse. If someone cannot take the time to address you by your name (or username) and write a more thoughtful message, what does that imply about their approach to dating and relationships? (As a side note, the NorCal gym owner I mentioned above called me “Ann,” insisting that Ann-Margaret was too much of a “mouthful.” That did not score him points.). Then there are comments that focus exclusively on physical appearance (e.g. “You have nice eyes” or “hey gorgeous”). These are the online equivalent of catcalling or giving someone a creepy stare, and they tend to elicit few responses. Anyone can admire a pretty face or hot body, but it takes a special someone to appreciate the unique inner qualities you have to offer a potential partner. Instead, invest time and energy into writing quality messages custom tailored to the recipient. Note your similarities as well as the (non-superficial) factors that drew you to the other person’s profile. And end on a question that will seamlessly facilitate further conversation.

3. Take it personally. Dating online means accepting that not everyone will recognize or appreciate all the amazing qualities you have to offer, just like you won’t want to date every man or woman whose profile you view. And that’s okay — it’s all part of the screening process. Refrain from automatically assuming that they dislike you and everything you stand for, and avoid obsessing over what it is they didn’t fancy about you. It could be something as impersonal as their being too busy, or perhaps they’re considering becoming exclusive with someone else. Remember that when your match sees your profile, they will like it and won’t want to pass you up.

But before you find that special someone, feelings of discouragement, self-doubt, and even anger are common when your dozens of messages to potentials are met with silence. What most people don’t realize is that — according to another of those handy Match webinars I attended — only about one in 10 messages receives a reply. This means, on average, that 90% of messages are never acknowledged. So trust me — you’re far from alone in feeling uninterested in most of the people who message you and ignored by most of the people you message. It’s a sad parody of the digital courtship experience. Just keep in mind that you’re not being rejected, per se; it’s simply not a match.

4. Get physical too soon. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not trying to encourage prudery in any way, shape, or form, but I do want you to be smart in your approach. If you become physically intimate very early on, it could compromise the sensitive period when you’re supposed to be evaluating a potential partner’s suitability. This could make you more susceptible to exercising poor judgment due to premature emotional attachment and volatility. Keep in mind that emotion and reason are often inversely related; if you’re feeling high on love after only a couple of dates, you may be more inclined to ignore red flags and enter into a romantic relationship that isn’t right for you. So before crossing that bridge, be sure you really know the person you’re with and that they meet your criteria for a long-term partner (for a refresher on establishing personal dating criteria, see point #2 of Part One of this post).

5. Be too quick to judge. Shawn and I almost didn’t make it past our second date due largely to nerves on both ends that masked our true personalities — and what a shame that would have been! Even before our disastrous second date, we had made false assumptions about each other based on our interpretations of each other’s profiles: I was afraid he was “boring” because he worked in “business/management” and listed such “normal” hobbies on his profile. He, on the other hand, was afraid I was too altruistic and invested in volunteer work to prioritize a boyfriend. These fears harken back to my earlier point about the importance of determining chemistry in person. However — debunking the notion of “love at first sight” — it can sometimes take multiple dates to know whether someone is right for you. After some of the miscommunications that defined our second date, we decided to openly address our concerns only to later discover that they were invalid. Daters must walk a fine line between ruling out poor candidates and giving potentials who don’t at first seem perfect a fair shot. If you are on the fence about someone, give it time, and realize that their true colors will eventually shine through.

6. Get too caught up in the “rules” of dating you’ve heard. This may seem strange coming from someone who’s just written “The Six Dos and Don’ts of Online Dating.” But here I’m referring to getting caught up in those pithy tips you may have casually heard from friends that don’t appear to make any real sense or apply to your situation — in other words, playing games. I mean things like the “three-day rule” dictating that a man should wait three days before contacting a woman so as not to appear desperate (clearly a bad idea since it could be perceived as a lack of interest). Another common one is to steer clear the topic of exes on the first date. It’s certainly true that talking about exes could be a turn-off, but ultimately each date and each dater are unique, and a suggestion like this shouldn’t be a hard and fast rule (Shawn and I broke this one, but talking a little about our dating history just felt right to us). When you’re in the throes of the online courtship experience, it’s common for self-doubt to cause you to feel clueless about dating or like you’re the only non-expert in your peer group. During my time on the market, I can remember semi-consciously wondering if there was something obvious I was doing wrong, some dating secret I hadn’t yet figured out. The truth is that there is no bulletproof formula that will guarantee success — only more general strategies, like the ones listed here, that can improve your odds. If you find that your method isn’t working for you, don’t be afraid to evaluate and reassess your process. Above all, be patient, and try to avoid playing the comparison game with friends who are in relationships; you are on your own timeline.

I hope these posts have helped to de-mystify some of the pitfalls of online dating as you seek a committed relationship on the Web. While online dating may not always be easy, it was a far more promising method than my experience with a matchmaker… but that is another story for another day.

If you have any questions, thoughts, or experiences you would like to share, feel free to comment below!