The Six Dos and Don’ts of Online Dating: Part One

In days of yore — or the early 2000s, which was many eons ago in Internet time — people treated online dating like a shameful secret, a sign that someone had “failed” to find a partner through traditional means and was now desperate (…why was it so easy for your 90-year-old grandmother and her friends to find husbands at age 21 at the local dancehall?). But times have changed, technology has become an all-pervasive force in our lives, and online dating is all but totally destigmatized.

So why is it that online dating can feel so deeply draining and personally defeating for the serious dater?

For one, you’re forced to market yourself as a product, an experience that can feel inorganic and all too dehumanizing. You must come to terms with being superficially evaluated and, moreover, to judging others using similarly shallow criteria. Ultimately, most of us online daters need to learn how to both reject and face (perceived) rejection, kissing many frogs before finding our prince or princess. Maintaining a healthy attitude and avoiding common pitfalls are critical to success. During the few months that I was on the online dating market before meeting Shawn, I learned some lessons that I’d like to share with others seeking lasting love on the Web:

Do:

1. Make dating a priority in your life. Online dating is hard work and takes time, money, perseverance, and commitment to come to fruition; think of it as a long-term investment. Put in the hours screening profiles, responding thoughtfully to promising messages to keep the momentum going, initiating conversations (ladies included!), and going out on dates. The decision about who to spend the rest of your life with is one of the most important you will ever make. So don’t just sit around waiting for fate to happen — make your own fate.

2. Carefully consider your criteria. I recommend making a few lists to help you keep sight of what you’re looking for in a sea of potential partners. Start with a “deal breakers” list of traits you absolutely cannot tolerate. Mine included things like history of drug abuse, doesn’t live in Southern California, and racist/sexist/homophobic/transphobic. Also consider making an “undesirable traits” list (“stingy” and “puts his own needs first” were a couple of mine). Then create a “desirable traits” list full of the qualities you would desire most in your dream partner. Some suggestions include: kindhearted, intelligent, values family, honest and trustworthy, good listener, likes to travel, and good communicator. (As a personal aside, after finding Shawn I read my lists to him. He was tickled pink that my list described him perfectly!)

3. Be honest and be yourself. Of course you want to put your best foot forward in your online dating profiles and exude positivity; but it’s also important to represent your authentic self. Pretending to embody an unrealistic, ideal self — whether through the information on your profile or through inaccurate photos — won’t fool anyone for long and will only set you up for failure. So embrace who you are, and try to provide an accurate portrait of yourself online (even if you’re a homebody or a nerd or have a passion for something unusual… Shawn refers to my personal oddities as “quirks”!). Having a detailed profile is key; your match will see you and like you for who you are.  In addition, getting feedback on your profile from people who know you well can be very helpful in shaping an online presence that is true-to-life.

4. Be insanely optimistic. When I was on Match, I participated in an incredibly informative webinar on how to optimize your chances of online dating success. Unfortunately, the name of the dating coach who hosted the webinar escapes me, but what sticks in my mind was his mantra of remaining “insanely optimistic.” It is all too easy to become jaded on the long and winding road to finding your match, and nothing is a bigger turn-off than a pessimistic attitude. Try not to bring negative energy with you on a date, and learn to see each bad date as a valuable learning experience that’s slowly bringing you closer to your future spouse. Both Shawn and I reflected on how throughout the online dating process, we had so many bad experiences, we began to wonder whether something was wrong with us and whether we would be alone forever! If this happens to you, remind yourself that online dating is a little like therapy: Believe in the process, and it will work, just like it’s worked for millions of other people in the exact same boat as you.

5. Consider using more than one dating site. Multiple sites can keep your momentum going and prevent you from becoming too discouraged with any single site. And if you’re looking for something serious, maximize your efficiency by steering clear of casual dating or hookup sites like Tinder (yes, I realize you have a friend who met his wife on Tinder, but it’s less likely than it is on a site like Match or eHarmony). I tried four different sites — Match, eHarmony, The League, and Luxy — and each was different, with its own selling points and target crowd. Unsurprisingly, Match was my favorite due to its sheer volume of people, the freedom it offers users to optimize its database, and its generous profile space. It was also one of the least expensive, even with a paid subscription (which I highly recommend). I didn’t have as much luck on eHarmony, an option stereotyped as the go-to site for (straight) Christian singles. I wasn’t crazy about how I only had access to a few profiles at a time. Nevertheless, eHarmony is a household name and is presumably famous for a reason.

The League, on the other hand, fancies itself an exclusive dating site for only the best and the brightest. It reeks of pretentiousness and craftily goads the “Type-A” competitive spirit with its emphasis on “winning” the dating game. It was addicting as well as oddly anxiety-provoking. The League was very expensive to join since I had a paid subscription, and, moreover, I found myself spending way more money than I should have buying additional daily matches due to its mean allotment of only three to five candidates per day (depending on your account type). Notwithstanding these significant drawbacks, the caliber of potential matches is high due to its focus on education. Lastly, Luxy was like an elitist version of Tinder (but I was too curious and fed up with other sites to resist trying it for myself!). Although it’s not my speed and I wouldn’t recommend it to people seeking down-to-earth partners, I have to admire how refreshingly unabashed it is about its materialist take on love — it’s totally transparent.

6. Treat others with respect. Believe it or not, online dating profiles represent real people with souls; they’re not just bots trying to mess with you and complicate the single experience. I’m not saying you need to respond to every message — that’s just not feasible on some sites — but do refrain from firing off angry messages in moments of frustration. I would occasionally receive irritated messages from men (e.g. “What does a guy have to do to get a response on here?”). Nothing was a bigger turn-off than a man-child throwing a fit. A better approach is to send a maximum of one follow-up message or even to ask for constructive feedback on your profile. This may sound weird, but I did it and received helpful information (he even agreed to go on a date with me!). Another time, a lawyer I wasn’t interested in asked me for advice. I gave him input, politely explained why I didn’t think we were a match, and shared what I had learned in Match’s online dating webinars. After feeling ignored by so many women, he really appreciated it and was heartened to press on in his search.

While the online dating process can certainly seem daunting, remember that by creating online dating profiles, you’ve massively increased your odds of finding a partner. And keep in mind that it only takes finding one special person to graduate from the online dating arena for good. Be sure to check out Part Two of this two-part post, and happy dating!